Blood Noir (Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, Book 16)

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Product Description
Readers cant get enough of the #1 New York Times bestselling author.

A favor for Jason, vampire hunter Anita Blakes werewolf lover, puts her in the center of a fullblown scandal that threatens master-vampire Jean- Claudes reignand makes her a pawn in an ancient vampire queens new rise to power.

Customer Reviews: Read 292 more reviews...

1 out of 5 stars

Bloody bad "Noir" May 28, 2008
584 out of 638 found this review helpful

Imagine the horribly malformed love-child of "Days Of Our Lives," Anne Rice and some really bad Mary Sue fan fiction.

That is the most accurate description I can think of for "Blood Noir," the fifteenth novel in the Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter series. Since it's a rather lame little novella pumped up to novel size, Laurell K. Hamilton spins up artificial drama and endless sexual angst that never really goes anywhere or does anything, but fills up plenty of pages. By the end, you'll be wondering what the point is.

Werewolf stripper Jason drops by Anita's house to whine that his estranged dad is dying, and he's broken up with his girlfriend because she wanted monogamy. Three guesses which is considered more traumatic -- monogamy or cancer.

So Anita comforts him the only way she knows how, and then agrees to pose as his girlfriend so he can prove to his dad that he isn't gay. Apparently his family is more worried about his sexuality than about his being a werewolf. But when they arrive, Anita finds that Jason is one of several look-alike men in his hometown, and one of them is a wealthy engaged stud who is having an affair with the wife of a local Master vampire. This, needless to say, stokes up lots of bad feelings.

It also causes a few personal crises, as Anita finds out that weird tabloid rumors in St. Louis are jeopardizing Jean-Claude's position, and local vampires are gunning for Jason because he looks just like his cousin. Unfortunately this is only the start of her problems, since the ancient vampire matriarch Mother of All Darkness is waking up -- or I should say, STILL waking up after several books -- and causing yet more trouble for Anita.

For your information, "Blood Noir" was originally a novella. But while the page-count has expanded to that of a full-length novel, Laurell K. Hamilton fails to expand the story along with it -- it still has a novella-sized plot, which appears to have been cribbed from the wastepaper basket of a hack TV writer. We've got lookalikes, confusion, family drama, and embarrassing headlines. Even the name of Jason's cousin -- Keith Summerland -- sounds lifted from a soap.

And Hamilton is pretty clearly making it up as she goes along, throwing in plot twists and contrived crises whenever the slow-moving plot starts lagging. Unfortunately she doesn't actually deal with the fallout of these twists -- most of them just putter out and never really get dealt with. Presumably Hamilton either got tired of writing and wanted to wrap up the book, or she didn't want to write any dramatic scenes that don't involve lots of orgasms, bodily fluids and Anita.

While there isn't as much plotless sex as in some of Hamilton's other books, sex is still the sole driving force of "Blood Noir." Breakups, personal crises, metaphysical problems and threats are all handled by Anita's sex'n'powers combo -- and even in the sex-free portions of the book, the characters' sex lives are what propel things onward.

And sadly, those people's sex lives are more ludicrously silly than genuinely sexy. Anita has inexplicably become a tabloid celebrity more famous than A-list starlets, and Keith's fiancee is only able to identify Jason by staring at his penis. I wish I had made this up, but I couldn't.

Anita continues to be a standard Mary Sue self-insert -- she's abrasive as a power sander, smart as a cinder block, adored and feared by all around her, and develops a new supernatural power every time she sneezes. Comically enough, her sex life is apparently the stuff of national interest now, despite the fact that she basically doesn't do anything to warrant anyone's interest except collect vampires and werebeasties for her expansive harem.

Thankfully that harem is rarely glimpsed in this book, and it's soon obvious why this is a good thing. The supposedly suave Jean-Claude has become needy and clingy, the appallingly creepy Nathaniel acts like a pimp, and Jason has been transformed into a self-absorbed slut who treats non-Anita women like sex toys. And Hamilton takes yet another pot-shot at Richard, dragging him into the plot just so Anita can remind us why we are supposed to hate him. Doesn't work.

"Blood Noir" is neither noir nor bloody, and the thin plot is stretched to the breaking point with lots of bad sex, whining, and plot twists that stupefy rather than shock. Truly ghastly -- and not the good way either.

1 out of 5 stars

Absolutely Dreadful May 27, 2008
283 out of 321 found this review helpful

I'm only 13 chapters into it thus far, but this is probably one of the worst things I've read in a long time. I'm actually pretty tempted to return it without finishing and I've *never* done that before.

The first four chapters are nothing more than an extremely poorly written sex scene between Jason, Nathaniel and Anita - sentence structure is lousy, the sex is boring and I think it's becoming increasingly clear that LKH really knows nothing about the BDSM scene. At one point, Anita actually says her safe word...and Nathaniel *ignores* it. And that's ok?? It's not even close to 'ok'. It's dangerous and it's stupid. I'm not even a follower of the BDSM lifestyle, but even I know that much.

I can't buy the premise very well either. Jason's dad is sick and dying of cancer...ok. He needs to bring a girfriend home to prove he's not gay? Uh...ok. He looks *just* like his complete asshat of a cousin to the point that the media won't leave him alone and no one believes he's not his cousin? Not so much.

The dialogue is also pretty lousy. Jason's lines make him out to be a begging puppy, at least as far as Anita is concerned. It's embarrassing and not much of a turn on. I also find it odd that as soon as it's decided that Jason's going to take Anita home with him, all the other men start getting bitchy. "Wait...I've never met *your* family." *sob* "I'm 400 years old, my family is dead...I've never even brought them up in the last 15 books, but oh! You'll never get to meet them now...blah blah tragic fishcakes..."

Pet peeves: LKH has a tendency to overuse certain words and phrases quite a bit in her books. Thus far it's the word "breathy". *shudders*

*ahem*

That's all I have so far...when I finish, I'm sure I'll come back and add something. Strangely ironic that the cover has a pair of scissors on it...'cause that's probably what you'll want to take to this book when you read it. (Or your eyesockets, whichever is handier)

1 out of 5 stars

Crap! May 27, 2008
224 out of 267 found this review helpful

I got my hands on an advance copy from a friend. All I can say is this: What the hell has Laura K. Hamilton done to this series? I have been an Anita Blake fan for years now. I own the entire series. I enjoyed the Strong Independent Female character. What she has become in the last several books is a travesty. I'm not a prude and sex is great-but it has it's place. I don't get off on repeated, meaningless, badly construed orgies with EVERY Tom, Dick and Harry. It's become tiring and lethargic to read this crap and I think this is where the series ends for me. Hamilton should take a lesson from the Sookie Stackhouse novels, that have actually gotten better with each book and feature a lead who sleeps with ONE guy at a time. Like most of us who don't charge for it. Let's hope she doesn't screw up the Merry Gentry series too.

1 out of 5 stars

If only I could give this "0 Stars" June 3, 2008
79 out of 84 found this review helpful

This book is terrible. I mean, truly terrible. It's unoriginal at best, a waste of paper at its most truthful. I may have some spoilers in here, so be warned.

In this particular offering, Anita's "friend" Jason needs her to pose as his girlfriend to visit his dying father so that his "ultra-conservative, white-bread" family won't continue to think that Jason is gay. Jason gets kidnapped due to a sadly predictable plot twist and big bad Anita saves the day. If it sounds like a poorly written soap opera, it gets worse. I won't spoil it for you. In sum, "Noire" is more of the same drivel I've come to expect from Hamilton. Yes, there is less sex. Not much less, though, and the sex hasn't been replaced with plot. Scenes are stretched to their breaking point and beyond, pointless conversations abound, and the sex is thrown in when there is a lull in plot progression. There is very little action. I've been told that this novel was a novella first, and that does explain some of its problems, but certainly not all. This book has the same problems that all but the first 4 Anita books have. Characters are unbelievable, unorginal, and for the most part, 2 dimentional. Anita herself utterly destroys any suspension of disbelief that Hamilton can muster. Anita is a pure example of "Mary Sue-ism" or "Snappy Sue-ism". For an explaination of what I mean, go to http://www.kitwhitfield.com/2006/09/mary-sue-gets-mean.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue . Anyone who has read any of Hamilton's books will find these articles to ring sadly true for Anita. Anita is a necromancer, a vampire slayer, a Federal marshall, a Lupa, a Bolverk, a living succubus with her own animal(s) to call and a "triumverate" (a stupid, stupid word) of power, a human servant, a Nimir-raj, and in "Noire", she adds little queen of the were-tigers to the already downright silly list. She is also in a polyamorous relationship with multiple men who are not allowed to be with anyone but her, has sex with them all day long, and still can walk upright enough to do all the occupations listed. Any attractive man that Anita comes across wants, needs, falls madly in love with her and becomes her slave, and all women envy her. Most of the men are strippers. Though each of Anita's men is a supernatural (and very well-endowed) powerhouse, Anita is stronger than all of them combined, and must protect them like a nest of newborn bunnies from all the big bad that inexplicably surrounds Anita. Personal fantasy much? You be the judge.

There is little plot to be had in the Anita Blake series, and what plot there is has been ripped from the pages of other books or White Wolf and Dungeons and Dragons games. The majority of the book is taken up by poorly written sex and useless dialog about sex and/or how wonderful/powerful Anita is. Hamilton once wrote a response to her critics, in which she says that one shouldn't read her books if they didn't want to think, or if they wanted comfort, or didn't want to push the envelope. I find this to be a ridiculous expression of Hamilton's overblown ego. Never have I found the Anita Blake novels thought provoking in any way. (Other than the obvious "Why did I buy this" question I pose to myself over and over) These books are at best fluff. Mindless entertainment.

Anne Rice's earlier vampire novels made me think. They caused me to feel something, to question myself and my beliefs about good and evil. Anne Rice's vampire novels also pushed the envelope. Her "Interview with the Vampire" was the first book to show vampires as more (and less) than monsters, as feeling, thinking beings. Hamilton tries far too hard to push the evelope. She does so by throwing in kinky sex (also done by Anne Rice and Poppy Z. Brite, a very good if not well known horror writer), a poorly researched and horribly depicted version of BDSM (which was also done, and I think, very well by Anne Rice in her "Sleeping Beauty" series), and hints at homosexuality. (Again done first by Anne Rice and then to death by other writers). Though she hints at or throws these things into the mix, none of them are done believably or well. Most of her male leads are gay or bisexual, but all of them want Anita and they are never allowed to have sexual contact with one another, as per Anita's rule. Hamilton rails against monogamy in the novels, but only for Anita. All of her lovers must be monogamous with her, or be refused in bed. This even applies to Jean-Claude, her "master" an incubus who uses sex to feed and from whom Anita got her own "ardure". It rings more than fake, it is utterly ridiculous and cruel. It is hinted at in "Noire" that Anita may deign to allow two of her men to make love, but I will be truly suprized if this happens, or if it does, if it gets more than a paragraph. Hamilton's BDSM is a horror. The BDSM scenes are silly, over the top, or in the case of "Noire", very vanilla and boring.It is written from the view of a vanilla, Mid-Western, suppressed mindset. For all of Hamilton's constant lectures on how open-minded and left-wing she is, the way she writes causes me to believe the exact opposite. In the series, anyone who likes BDSM was abused as a child and either likes to be horribly injured or completely dominated in every aspect of their lives. There is no safe word, no trust, no love. There is only Anita doing whatever she wants to whomever she wants, whenever she wants to do it.

The BDSM reads more like an excuse for characters to allow Anita to walk all over them than a believable plot device. Just like the "ardure" is an excuse for Anita to have non consensual sex with everyone and anyone. If the genders were reversed, and Anita was a man with a harem of women, how well received would these books be? Why is rape ok when it happens to men? Of course, in the novels, none of the men mind afterwards because they fall predictibly and unbelievably in love with Anita. I find the books to be one giant comfortfest for Anita, and for the writer. Anita's ego is constantly stroked and enlarged by all other characters. If for any reason a character does not believe that the sun does not rise and set on Anita's command, he or she is belittled, reviled, or done away with. All of the male characters (with the exception of Nathaniel) are "powerful men", yet they constantly need Anita to save them. Jean-Claude and Richard got kidnapped, Richard's family got kidnapped, Micah was being treatened, Nathaniel was kidnapped and in "Noire", yet another "strong" man will be kidnapped. Who saves them all? Anita. Believable? No. Comforting and ego enlarging? Yes. Jean-Claude and Richard become more and more whiny, needy, and dependent upon Anita as the books progress, leading me to believe that the author mocking them up to be strong men was for the sole benefit of making Anita look even stronger when she breaks them to her will. There are also very few female characters in the novels so that Anita has no competition. Those that are there are either weaklings whom Anita must kick around and protect,they are jealous bitches who hate Anita because all the men love her so, or they are lesbians who want to have sex with Anita.

Anita seems to be heavily based on Hamilton herself, and the whole series reads like a lonely woman's slightly dark sex fantasy. Almost everything in Anita's background was taken directly from Hamilton's life. I'm not saying that it's wrong for an author to do that, but it ceases to be fiction at some point.

I haven't even bothered to go over all of the inconsistencies in plot, character description, or spelling errors left in Hamilton's finished works. She seriously needs to proof-read and remember what she's written before. If Hamilton can't remember what has happened in previous books, how can she expect the rest of us to? Or to even bother?

I know that most of Hamilton's oldest fans (myself included) want "the old Anita" back. This isn't going to happen. Ever. Hamilton has discovered that she can write an entire book about nothing but sex and how wonderful her main character is and make millions. Why would she ever go back? Research is difficult and time consuming. Plots take time, thought, and orginality to come up with. Why not just jot down her own fantasies and cash in? I really think that the only people who still buy these books are A.teenage Goths and bored housewives who get their jollies off the icky were-monster sex, B. die hard fans, or those who had the books recommended to them by A or B. At this point, my expectations are so low that I wouldn't mind the books if all they were was interesting sex, but Hamilton can't even manage that. Don't buy this book. If you must read it, borrow it from the library or read it in the bookstore. If no one buys this crap, maybe, just maybe Hamilton will understand what she's done to what was a promising series and became less that a Mary-Sued Buffy the Vampire slayer fanfic.

1 out of 5 stars

TOO THROUGH!! May 27, 2008
71 out of 87 found this review helpful

I did not purchase this book. I got it from the library. Having said that, I am glad that I did not purchase this book.

I read it cover to very short 340 pages worth of cover. Happy not to have paid for such a small amount of material and there was nothing new. No new advancement of plot. And I'm sure there are people out there who will say the minute bits of scenes with the Mother of All Darkness did advance the plot, but nope not really.

And one more Richard sappy, whiny moment! I mean did we not go through this in Cerulean Sins, Incubus Dreams, Danse Macabe, the Harlequin. Yup, go back and read and you will see that indeed it is feeling like Groundhog's Day where the Richard moments are concerned. I mean I'm fine with the ardeur. Gain ever evolving powers, but do you ever do anything with them but chase imaginary creatures away in your head and body? How many times must she pass a new beast on to another person? Read & done. YAWN!

Does Anita even work anymore? Is the business still even open? Micah works more than she does. He's always away on coalition business.

A little zombie raising & mystery solving goes a long way and this way nothing of the sort comes.

Take a long rest Laurell. Noone needs this sorry excuse of a novel every year. I don't know if your publishers put that in your contract, but dang it go on strike until you can get some of your mojo back. Solve some crimes, find some mysteries. Anything but what you have been doing will be great!

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